and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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