it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
