I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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