The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
