Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Randomize
