Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
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