I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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