you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
