So drunk, too bad you don't want this
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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