she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
