i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm getting married
To pizza
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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