Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
