So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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