I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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