I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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