my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Randomize
