I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
