I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
