whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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