see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Randomize
