those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Randomize
