she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
