I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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