How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Dignity is for republicans.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
