i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
