I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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