he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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