just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
