Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize