we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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