I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
