I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
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