that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
