Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
