you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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