I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
