I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
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