Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
