Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
