my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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