I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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