you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
