I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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