So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
