Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
