I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
