does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
