she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
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