I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
