When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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