also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
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