But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
