sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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