I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
