At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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