I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
