I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
