literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
