i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
two words...techno handjob
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
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