1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Randomize
