the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
