How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
