i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
