my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
