Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
