Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
