Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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