I can text with my tongue
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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